It’s Not Clocking To You That I’m Standing on Business

Is it?

By: Jaime Church

There is nothing I love more in this wonderful world than drifting up to my local Starbucks to get a singular drip coffee just to use their free wifi and listen to Phantom of the Opera on my 5-year-old airpods for two hours straight or until my computer dies. It is the most gorgeous time of the day. It’s a terrible thing I am not European I swear. Once I am criminally rich, (or even just married to a Frenchman,) I’ll polish this ritual of mine, and it probably won’t take place in a Starbucks anymore, let alone the one in my hometown. But patience, young padawan. I must start preparing now. I must carry myself with so much dignity that age and economic status will be absolutely powerless in the presence of style and character. 

You’ve got to gaslight yourself into having a good time when you first get to the coffee shop, the same way you’ve got to force yourself through the first few chapters of any lame book you’re reading just because your acquaintance said you have to because you’ll love it. So don’t expect to be relaxed while you’re standing in line, or nervously trying to find a place to sit without looking like you’re super desperate for a seat, even though you are. Don’t get too worried when you’re questioning paying $5.75 for one cup of coffee, or when you’re paranoid that they already called your name and you missed it and now you’re going to have to tell them you never got your drink, to which they’ll probably say hey stupid, we actually did call your name, but that little narcissistic head of yours was dragging your bloated body all around the crowded chairs like an idiot trying to find a seat. And then you’ll have to apologize even though you aren’t quite sure what you’re apologizing for, and then they’ll offer you death by lethal injection or electric chair, and you’ll choose electric chair, because needles make you ill and the last time you donated blood you passed out. 

So it’s not that fun at first. But once you’ve got a seat at least 4 x 4 inches to call your own, you can relax. And coffee shops are one of the best places in the world to people watch. Usually because it’s inherently a pretentious place. Because everyone who drinks coffee is pretty opinionated on virtually everything that doesn’t really matter. But it’s the very fact that it doesn’t matter that's what makes it significant and amusing. If you’re talking about anything with real consequences, it doesn’t matter much where the needle ends up pointing, but holy shit, please use oat milk if I’ve specified to use oat milk. And I actually adore the fact that everyone in line is so particular. Because at work you’ve got to be polite and on first dates you’ve got to not give any opinions that are too strong and when you go to church you have to lie about the fact that you drink coffee in the first place. But at the coffee shop, you get to order exactly what you want, and no matter what you say you will be right, so there is no way to mess up as long as you’re ordering according to your own desires. And I will admit, this is much easier said than done. Because the menu is extremely intimidating and the barista is always very deliberate on making eye contact. So that’s why you google the menu ahead of time so you can see exactly what the options are and how much it’ll set you back. This is probably the best use of mobile phones I can think of. Anyway, now that you’ve already got your order locked up safe and sound in your head, you can compare it to every other person in line. This game is even more fun if you play it at a Starbucks, because then you get to see the names that are going with each order. Jonah just got one of the seasonal drinks, eggnog latte or whatever. And Cathy got a different seasonal drink, gingerbread sprinkle caramel puff. And even though we all know they’re going to taste virtually identical, it really is so much fun to pick and order and sip and get your very own name on your very own cup. And you really have to get the seasonal flavors during the holidays, because come January, they’ll be gone you know. And I watch Jonah and Cathy get their drinks, doing the obligatory dramatic squint at the name to make sure it’s the right one because you don’t want Starbucks to think you’re just walking up to the counter and stealing whatever is there. (This business model always stresses me out by the way. I wonder if drink theft is big or not so much. It’s like getting your luggage at the airport carousel things. Who is to stop anyone from taking my bag?! Not that I have anything remotely valuable- if you stole my bag you’d have scored yourself a couple of t-shirts and maybe some loose change, but the principle still stands.) I wonder how long Jonah and Cathy have been together. I wonder if they’re happy. I wonder if coming here was her idea or his. Not that it matters. And once Cathy and Jonah are gone, you get to watch the next people and see what they’re up to. 

I just re-read what I’ve got and now I’m paranoid that you’ll think this is the biggest waste of time ever. But as the singer-songwriter and wisdom guru Justin Bieber once said, it’s not clocking to you that I’m standing on business. Going to the coffee shop might not be instagram worthy, (the highest bar of sophistication and social regulation known to man in the year 2025,) but it’s certainly better than some. Nothing is going to happen on your phone, but at the coffee shop, something might. Probably not, but might as well you know? It’s important if you say it is.